iPhone Auto-Correct Strangeness

I was typing the phrase “I don’t” just now in a text message. I missed the space bar and it suggested  “Odontoceti” as a correction.

What’s more reasonable? That the combination Idont is supposed to be I don’t or that I intended to write Odontoceti?!

I don’t even know what the word Odontoceti means.

God Is Great

I just saw the following tweet on the Twitter trends feed:

“Major Breakthrough in cancer research is trending topics! If cancer was to be eradicated, that would be the greatest gift from our God!”

Now, call me a heathen, but what kind of God would visit cancer upon us in all it’s myriad forms, only to gift us the cure a couple of millenia later?!

Rail Enquiries, Rip-Offs and Belligerence

UPDATE: Since this post has been getting a trickle of hits every week since I wrote it back in April, here’s a little update.

Crosscountry Rail, one of the rail companies, have just launched their own iPhone app. It has a full journey planner, timetables, station arrivals and departures with platforms, local maps and everything else you might need. It’s also location-aware so you can find your nearest station.

It’s also completely FREE, thus proving that National Rail Enquiries are a bunch of monopoly-abusing rip-off merchants. Search in the iTunes App Store for Train Search.

As a pleasing aside, the Office of the Rail Regulator are looking into the many, many complaints about the NRE application, their legal threats to competitors and whether they abused their monopoly position.

Now, the original post….

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Dear National Rail Enquiries,

I think it’s absolutely disgusting that you’re charging £5 for your iPhone app, having shut down the competition.

The MyRail Lite app was fast and accurate and a joy to use, but most of all FREE. The information provided is free on your website, where I will get it in future (on my iPhone), why make us pay for a front-end to that same information.

Why are you ripping us off? I suppose as a UK rail company you simply have no concept of service – it really is all about money and profit and screw the long-suffering travelling public.

Puffin Ridiculous

The new ‘Puffin’ pedestrian crossings are rubbish.

They’ve replaced the old style (push a button on the post, look across the road to the signal) with a combined push button and signal unit on the post at the side of the pavement. The Department of Transport expained to me that:

1. The signal is positioned so you look in the direction of the on-coming traffic.

2. The new unit incorporates ‘pedestrian scanning’ so it knows how many people are crossing and how quickly they’re going. It also knows if there’s no-one there and cancels the button-push.

3. The signals no longer have a flashing green man and flashing amber light.

Apparently the flashing green man and amber light is the biggie: it was, I’m told, ‘confusing’ despite having been in use for about 50 years. Now, the signal can turn red even while people are cross in order to stop more people from stepping out, but at the same time it holds the cars on red until the people already on the road are safely to the other side. The reason the signal has been moved to the pavement is so that people can’t see it while they cross – so they don’t panic when it turns red when they’re only halfway. The crossing is intelligent and will only release the green signal for cars when everyone is safely across.

This is all well and good, except for several problems. Firstly, if there is one other person standing close to the signal box, others can’t see it.

Secondly, the position of the signal encourages you to look to your right for traffic, yet halfway across you’ll meet traffic coming from the left. On the old crossings, you looked across the road and were taught to look both ways.

The flashing signals were ‘confusing’ yet the DfT also told me that any teething problems with the new crossings were because of the change and people not being used to them. In other words, people are confused by them! Given that there are thousands of older crossings with flashing signals, people still need to be taught about what the signals mean. But people also need to be taught how the new signals work – in fact, Brighton Council have put up a large instructional sign at the North St – St. James St – Old Steine crossings to explain them!

I make that TWO educational campaigns needed, plus the cost of the new signals rather than one road safety campaign to tell idiots what a flashing light means.

Finally, the placement of the new signal boxes is incredibly confusing at multiple crossings. Take a look at the photo. As you walk up the street, there’s a crossing box straight in front of you (the one to the left of the picture), next to a crossing point.

If that signal is green, can you keep walking straight ahead to cross the road?

I had to stop and think about it for a minute, looking round at the four different crossing points and what each of the signals related to. After a minute or two, I worked it out. The answer is NO. If the signal straight ahead is green, you cannot cross the road. In fact, it’s the signal round the corner on the right of the photo that related to that crossing.

The one straight ahead is for the crossing to the left, if you were turning to cross the road you were walking along. However, the button and the signal are marooned on that corner, with no clear indication as to what it’s for. Imagine if someone was standing between you and the signal box on the right. The only signal you’d see is the one in front of you, which might be showing green.

Clearly, these new crossings have been designed by committee. Probably a committee of people who drive everywhere.

Cow Cam

I love cows. But what’s it like to actually BE a cow? More than that, what’s it like to be a cow, getting an affectionate lick from another cow?

Museum of Animal Perspectives

Now you know.

Good Turns Never Pay

When I bought my laptop a couple of months ago, I was offered a free printer. I ummed and ahhed in the shop, because I love genuine free stuff and the printer was pretty good.

But on the other hand, I had a reasonable printer at home. I didn’t need a new one and didn’t really wish to add to the mountains of junk in the world. Plus I’d rather have had £60 off the computer.

As I stood there, another chap was looking at the very same printer to buy. So I gave him my free one. He was overjoyed and gave me £20 for it.

I felt really good about myself and he went home to Ireland very happy.

This weekend I wad looking to get new cartridges and set up my old printer again, when I discovered that it was so old (2004 – ancient in the computer world) that it wasn’t compatible with my computer. Which meant I’d need a new one.

I’ve ended up with the same model as the free one – although it was in special offer for £35.

My good turn has cost me £15.

Choking On An Apple

The Brighton Apple Store opens in a sparkling explosion of fuckwittery:

Nye Wright, 35, the store’s American-born manager, motivated his staff with a cheering, clapping and hugging routine shortly before the doors opened at 10am.

Then staff ran out of the shop giving high fives to people in the queue which stretched around Churchill Square’s upper level.

Back inside the store they lined up clapping and high-fiving their customers again as they entered the store to receive their free T-shirts and to get their hands on the Apple products they had come to try.

Twats

Almost Busy Weekend

Both the Loop festival and Brighton Carnival took place this weekend, bringing the city nowhere near to a standstill.

Did anyone notice these things were happening?!

Royal Mail Are Shit

I needed to send some important documents through the post, which I also needed safely returning to me.

So, I pre-paid a Recorded Delivery and put the envelope inside with my documents. When I asked for the tracking number of the return delivery, the lady looked at me blankly.

She can’t put it on the system now, she told me. They’ll have to bring the package in to be registered when they post it.

That’s no good to me. I’m sending it pre-paid so they won’t have the inconvenience of going to the post office. I want them to be able to pop it in the box, and I’ll have the tracking number ready. The system will know the postcode and tracking number already, and it can be scanned in at the sorting office as normal. The person returning my documents cannot and will not go to the post office for me.

But that’s not possible. Apparently.

So, I’ll have to trust first class post to deliver irreplacable documents to me. I have no other choice.

What does it matter if the package only enters the chain a day or two after the number was registered? The process is surely only triggered when the bar code is scanned anyway? It’s not like I was paying for a time-critical “by 1pm tomorrow” delivery that might bugger up their targets with a delay.

Any of the courier companies will issue a tracking number for a package being picked up in a few days time.

I used to believe wholeheartedly in a nationalised, public run postal service. But they’re shit.

Disappointing Limitations of iPhoto

I just got a junk mail from Apple with the following disclaimer:

iPhoto does not recognise the faces of animals.

I can only imagine the frustration of the poor user whose frantic calls to the helpdesk resulted in that important bit of small print…