Kill All Tube Staff

I’m not an unreasonable man. I advocate killing only the tube staff who can’t adequately answer the following questions:

1. Every night at around 6pm at Holborn, you have to lock passengers out of the station because the platforms are dangerously packed. Given it happens daily, you must have a plan, what is it?

(Anyone who talks of future investment in new trains/tracks etc sees their pet die first, before I pull the trigger. I want tomorrows journey to be bareable.)

2. Passengers arriving at the southbound Victoria line at Oxford Circus after 5.50pm have to fight for platform space and will be unable to board the first train that comes in. This is replicated across the network, day after day. If you’re unlucky it starts at 5.30pm. What’s the plan here?

3. At rush hour, when train frequency drops below 1 train every 2 minutes, platforms get dangerously busy and it takes 4 or 5 trains before passengers can squeeze on. What’s your plan in getting trains every two minutes, every day without fail?

(Anyone who says “we’re installing new signalling” gets to choose a family member to die with them – this isn’t a good answer, because I KNOW it’s possible to run them every two minutes with existing equipment. I’ve seen it happen.)

4. Why can’t I have money back for you insulting me with your service 3 days out of 5, for which I pay hundreds of pounds and rising?

I admit these questions are a mere formality before the trigger is pulled, as none of the dickheads running the system have single fucking clue.